Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
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If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Möther may I have a snäck
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.