*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.