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I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…