welp
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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
White Castle for the Win
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car