Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.