700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
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My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.