Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
You Might Also Like
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Don’t talk down to me
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy