If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
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“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]