BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
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Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
this came to me in a vision
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*