My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
That’s fair
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did