Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
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Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT