Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
What?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.