My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
You Might Also Like
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.