Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.