if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.