me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
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A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.