“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
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Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Me, flirting😏
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
craving $300 all of a sudden
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches