Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
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I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
how to market bottled water to dads
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man