i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet