I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
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One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.