Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
That 👊
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
No chill.