Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
#NeverForget
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.