you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
My sex drive has a dui
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Genius idea!!
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.