don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
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American Horror Story: Public Restroom
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
what does he know…
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late