My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Banana is the quietest snack
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
the answer was staring at me all along
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.