Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Livid.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.