4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.