Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Leonardo DiCaprisun
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.