Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
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Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
They’re on their honeymoon
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.