My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
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I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.