One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Not my job 😂
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*