Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
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*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Just a friendly reminder!
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.