Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
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[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Cause of death: Zumba
Thursday
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids