It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”