My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
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First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Hot Hot Hot
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.