My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese