I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
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Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.