Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Oh we’ve met.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.