A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
went fishing caught a bass
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted