Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.