My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Schrödinger’s cookie
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”