This January has 47 Mondays
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PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps