Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
You Might Also Like
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Jesus Christ lmao
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs