Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Ion see the issue
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I’m putting together a team
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Thinking about Jeff
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.