I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
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Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Battery falling down a hole
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.