mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
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“No way.” -Jose
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
still the best tweet of the year by far
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?