I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.