coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
When you let grandma cat sit
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”