ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
You Might Also Like
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.