Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
couldn’t resist
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many